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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Just three more days to greeting hello to 2009 and bidding goodbye to 2008, I can't hardly believe it's the end of the year already. As cliche as it is, I'm gonna blog quite a long entry about anything to everything just as many other people would every time of the ending year I'm sitting here and thinking.

What does life hold for us? How can you sit and wait for something to happen when you know what might happen to you later on is usually, and always, the course of your actions? Growing up itself, it is becoming such a daunting task. Something I sometime look forward to. And yet other times, I wish I never had to grow up and face everything else. I can't wait for the day to call an apartment my own. Yet, I never want that day where I come home to an empty house with no mother to get me to eat or no sister to disturb me or no Kecik to greet me at the door.

When a day goes by, do you look back on the things you have done? The people you've touched or the special deeds you went out of your way to make someone else feel good about him/herself? Do you think back on that single minute you wasted laughing at someone else? Maybe you decide to make a change in your life for once? But that change never benefits anyone else but you, does it? Honestly, I don't want to grow up. I want to live my life sitting in Starbucks for 5 hours with awesome friends who will laugh at every thing we say. And then I want to top it off with a session of chiling and doing nothing. Forever.

Then maybe suddenly, you decide to do something you've never done before. You think that you're finally growing up and that you deserve a chance at impetuosity. Do you ever realise the implications of your hastiness? In that short space of time, how many hearts will be broken and how many things will get even more complicated? You don't, because you think you're older and wiser and that you have to accomplish things you'll never think about when you're 25.

I've been really puzzled and confused lately. What am I? Where am I going? What have I been doing? Has anything been worth my time and effort? Why do we do so much to please the people around us? Do we live just to please them? Or do you live just for yourself and what you can achieve? Even though we try so hard to do things for ourselves, we always just base it on what society thinks is right, or what he/she would really like. We never really do things for ourselves most of the time. Honestly speaking, I can be a hypocrite. I preach to others about how "I don't really care what people think" or "They're not feeding me, so why should I care?" and all that shit. Ok yeah, I don't, most of the time, but someway or another, I stop short of being really "myself" because I end up feeling worried about others being critical of me. I think about the consequences of my actions. I keep feeling so bothered about what people think of me, and I get too affected by it? What if I'm not what they thought I was after all? What if I'm really just a waste of your time or effort? We just blind ourselves from what we really want because, really, want are just not right or important. But anything you really really want, is always just not good for you, after all. But sometimes I wish for someone to look objectively at my life and tell me what's wrong and what I should or should not do. Pure objectivity doesn't exist though. But now, as I’m typing this, I realize that whatever happened for a reason. I shall embrace myself with my marriage next year, Insya allah.

I love my family. Thank you mama & ayah for everything. You’re the reason that makes me stronger as each day pass by. 2009, may I have a blissful life ahead.

P/S: Private entries next.

8:55 PM

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