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Monday, December 29, 2008

Finally, I'm able to blog in peace. I really do not have any idea how to start my post. Well, everything was in mess since 28 November. My mind was in turmoil since that night when I saw a positive sign on the pregnancy kit. My mind kept telling me to abort it but I just can't bare to kill my baby. Bf was against it. Bf & me had no idea how to break the news to our parents till one week later, I called up his mum. His mum was shocked and told his dad few days later. Only his parents knew about my condition. I do not have the heart to tell my parents about this. All I told them was that Bf's parents invite them to their house for some discussion regarding us.

Bf called my mum when she was already under his blk & told them about my pregnancy. That was when my dad called me. I vividly remembered every of his sentence that break my heart listening to his angry voice. Those harsh and painful words were hard for me to swollow. "Kenape kau malukan ayah?! Kau pergi terjun dan mati lagi bagus!". Those lines were being repeated for that 5 minutes conversation. I felt depressed, sad, angry to myself. I was so clueless. I sat outside the staircase crying, non-stop.

As for what happened at bf's house, his uncles & aunt & grandmum was there too. I was told by mum that bf was beaten by his dad. His aunt & uncles tried to stop his dad when he went berserk. During that week, I felt so distance from my parents. I was stress. Every single minute when I think of this, I cried to myself. I lost weight and I do not have the appetite to eat.

I have my first check-up and was accompanied with bf's mum, bf & his sister. I was broke that time and bf's parents borrowed money from his relatives just for my sake. My parents? They do not even care for me. Deep down inside my heart, I know they are still dissapointed with me. I had my ultra scan and I saw my baby moves. It was still 1 month. Although the picture of the ultra scan was not clearly seen, I know that my baby is alive.

On 14 Dec, Sunday, I was bleeding. It's just like normal period. I was worried for my baby's safety. I cried to my mum and sis. My mum called my dad who was at work. I thought they are not worried for me. But I was wrong. My dad came all the way from work just to bring me to hospital but my mum don't agree cause she do not want the hospital to have my record yet. I thought I had a miscarriage. I cried when I called bf & his mum. My parents really thought I had a miscarriage. The next day, 15 Dec, bf's mum & bf accompanied me to see our gynae at a private clinic. Mind you, every single check-up cost his parents $150-$200. So that was my second check-up. The baby heart was beating. I thank god when I heard that good news from my gynae. The picture of my baby from the ultra-scan can be seen already. 1 month 2 weeks, my foetus age. As to stop the bleeding, I had an injection on my back side. I was given 3 days mc from 22-24 Dec. I actually took leave on 24 Dec for my councelling. The pain can be felt few hours later that I had difficulty in walking. I limped when I need to walk. I told myself to be strong for my baby. The pain eventually when away 2 days later.

On 24 December, both our parents and us need to attend councelling at PPIS. We need to go through this councelling and marriage course as we are under 21 years old. The councelling was good. One by one of us were interviewed by her. I told my counceller, Fadilah, everything. I cried when I told about my feelings. Bf's families went off first after they had finished. Bf waited for me outside when my parents, me & Fadilah was inside a room. I told my parents about I felt all this while. That was the very first time I saw my dad, who never shed a single tears in my 20 years of life, cried because of me. I could not hold back my tears when he cried telling me how dissapointed he was with me. My parents actually plan to hold a grand wedding for me & bf in 2010 as I'm their first daughter. But everthing now been shattered. He even cried that he loves me the most among his 3 children. He actually want me to stay at our house right after our marriage cause he knew that I do not know how to cook and always wake up late during weekend. He did want me to feel miserable staying with the in-laws but there's no room for me as I'm sharing it with my sister and grandparents. He even fork out thousands for my private diploma in MDIS. All because my parents have very high hopes for me. I told them my ambition, what I want to achieve and just because I'm getting married, it will not be achieved.

After that councelling ended, I felt so much better. My parents are back to normal with me. Bf's dad fork out the money for our marriage course that will be on march for 8 weeks. It's not only that, each one of our parents need to attend it too. We will then only get our original marriage cert once we had finished the course. Just yesterday, 29 Dec, his parents and aunt & uncle, came to merisik. 21st February is what bf's dad suggested for our wedding. I will be staying with the in-laws since bf have a room by himself. Bf's mum want to take care our baby since she is full-time housewife. I'm glad that my in-laws spare a thought for me. Tomorrow, both families and us will be going to ROM.

And oh, I forgot to mention that I actually told my manager regarding my situation when we when out for christmas shopping. She's the most understanding manager ever. :)

To you readers who have access to read my blog, please don't misuse the trust that I have given you. When the time is right, it will be open to public when everything is settle. Insya-allah. May god bless me, my baby, bf, my family & bf's family.

Today, as on 29 Dec, my baby is 2 months already. I'm too lost for words. I must be strong to overcome everything. Insya-allah.

8:59 PM

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